On Babies

BY:ARaZhi


Koto: We have received questions from our readers... err.. viewers. Pokejedservo asked: where do Babies come from? And from Natalia Katrina Rodriguez: how are babies made? Who would like to answer first?

Hiei raises his hands, surprisingly enthusiastic.

Koto (sweatdrop): Yes, Hiei?

Hiei: Kurama says it has something to do with tadpoles and eggs [1]. I don't get it. (shrugs) I tried it, see. I captured a tadpole and placed it inside the chicken's egg but nothing happened. I waited for 3 days but nothing happened! I decided to help it with a bit of my ki & it turned into fried egg with tadpole. It tasted pretty good too, a lot better than Mukuro's cooking, just like the usual fried egg that Kurama's ningen mother makes. I don't know why it didn't turn into a baby. Maybe I used the wrong egg and tadpole. Perhaps I should have used a quail egg. The chicken's egg was too big for the tadpole, it probably drowned. (minna sweatdrop) Or maybe they have to be married first before the tadpole-egg combination turns to a baby. But how do I marry an egg and a tadpole? (looks at the captive audience with big quizzical and purely innocent eyes) Should I marry the chicken and the frog first before I can use their tadpole and egg to create a baby? (Hiei waits expectantly for the staring crowd to answer; the silence was broken by Yukina's delighted claps)

Yukina: Oh! That's how to make a baby! I once asked Kazuma-kun but he told me he didn't know how. I can get you quail eggs, Hiei-san! Can you help me catch tadpoles? Then, we can create babies together!

Kurama, Yusuke, Koenma, Botan: AH! (falls off their chairs)

Minna facefaults.

Mukuro (grumbles): My heir is so naive.

Kuwabara's whole body turns green with envy.

Hiei froze.

Yukina (smiles that oh so innocent smile that makes Hiei feel guilty): Please, Hiei-san?

Hiei: Alright.

Everyone quickly recovers from shock after receiving Hiei's Glare of Death (tm).

Yusuke: Kurama told me that babies are made by injecting the tadpole into the egg.

Hiei: (whispers to Yukina while Kuwabara eavesdrop) Ah! So, I should have used a syringe! Yukina, write that down: syringe, quail egg, tadpole.

Yukina: Hai! (writes)

Koto: How can the tadpole be inserted into the egg, Yusuke?

Yusuke: Eh... (scrathes his head) I.. uh.. I forgot. Do you remember, Kuwabara?

Kuwabara (still green with pure envy): Uh... uhh... hehehe no! (glares at Hiei) Maybe the shrimp is right and we have to use a syringe. But that would hurt. I don't like injections!

Kurama's relieved sigh was cut off by Yusuke.

Yusuke: Why don't we ask Koenma how he was made? He happens to be a 700 year old baby!

Koenma smiles nervously.

Yusuke: Well? We're waiting....

Koenma takes a deep breath and nervous sweat breaks out of Kurama's face. Will Koenma reveal the truth?

Koenma: Babies come from *toot*. The woman *toot* *toot*. Then the man *tooooot*! Then the baby *toot*.

Yusuke and Kuwabara facefaulted, surprised.

Rinku: I know that! I'm youngest and I know that!

Shura: You're not youngest! I'm youngest! And I'll beat you up if you say otherwise!

Jin: I can't believe you guys didn't know that!

Touya: Uh-huh. We've known that for years!

Chuu: Yeah! I was the one who told Rinku that.

Wakamaru: Even I know and I don't see him as often as you ningens. (sulks) I think youkais are not included in his Christmas list.

Suzuki: Wakamaru, surely you've seen Santa Claus. He was the one who gave you to your mommy and daddy!

Yukina: Who's Santa?

Hiei: Babies come from Santa?

Wakamaru: Yes! Weren't you listening?

Koenma (hisses to Kurama): Why did you censor my explanation?!

Kurama: Uh! Sorry! I was worried you'd--- you know... and I can't let you do that because the rating of this fic is G. ^^;

Koenma: I still don't understand why you didn't tell Kuwabara and Yusuke the truth about this topic.

Kurama: I did! It's not my fault they don't understand metaphors!

Shura: Papa, you told me the stork gave me to you. How come they say they came from Santa Claus?

Yomi (sweatdrop): Well...

Minna waits patiently for Yomi to answer.

Yomi: Well...

Mukuro: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!

Yomi (explains hurriedly): You'redifferentfromthemthat'swhyyoucamefromthestorkandnotfromSanta.

Hiei: Hn! Liar!

Mukuro (annoyed): You're all wrong! Since I'm oldest, I should know! Babies come from flowers.

Minna hangs on to her every word, with the exception of Yomi and Shura. Yomi is trying to convince Shura it's better to have come from the stork than from Santa.

Mukuro: Imagine hundreds or thousands of bees and one flower. The strongest bee gets the flower and the baby is made.

Kuwabara and Yusuke starts whispering to each other.

Kuwabara: I don't get it.

Yusuke: If babies come from flowers then what's the purpose of a maternity ward in the hospital?

Hiei: That doesn't make sense. But we'll try it anyway.

Yukina (nods then writes): Hai! Bees. Flowers.

Mukuro: ARGH! Hiei! Don't you know your metaphors?

Hiei: Meta-what?

Mukuro: Would you like me to demonstrate?

Kurama (frowns): I forbid you! As Hiei's best friend, I forbid you to demonstrate anything to him. He's much too young.

Koenma: I agree. This fic is rated G and the author entrust me and Kurama to make sure it remains that way!

Hiei: No. I won't subject myself to anymore of your demonstrations. Last time you demonstrated cooking to me, you nearly killed me!

Keiko: Babies come from God.

Hiei: (blinks) God?

Yukina: Who is God?

Keiko: God is the one who created all things.

Yomi: That's not true. I created Shura. Not god.

Shura: You created me? But you said I came from a stork!

Yomi (sweatdrop): I did say that, didn't I?

Yukina: Does that mean you created a baby, Yomi-san?

Yomi: (shoots a glance at a pouting Shura) I suppose you can call it that.

Hiei: How?

Mukuro: Hiei, as your employer, I forbid you to listen to that blind fool!

Hiei (ignores Mukuro): HOW?

Yomi: (smirks) It's a very complex process that requires the use of an even more complex machine which is available only in my technologically advanced city. The key ingredient of course is a part of me.

Yusuke: Ewww! Does that mean you have to give up an arm or something to create a baby?

Yomi: No. A vial of blood will do.

Yukina (writes): Blood of Yukina and Hiei-san.

Kurama: Wait! What you created wasn't a baby. It's a clone!

Shura: Clone? Is that where they put ice cream?

Yusuke: No, kid, that's "cone".

Shura: Who are you calling "kid"!

Yusuke: You, kid. Clones are duplicates of the original. Meaning, you're Yomi's duplicate. If you still don't get it go watch Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones! Yoda kick ass!

Yoda (Yomi's assistant): Why, thank you. But I don't remember kicking anyone's ass.

Yusuke: Not you, Yoda! The other Yoda!

Kuwabara: (laughs) Is Shura a second-rate, trying hard copycat? (ed: If you're a Filipino and you've watched a certain movie, you'll probably get this ^^;) HAHAHAHA!!

Shura: I'm gonna beat you up!

Yomi: Shura! Behave!

Hiei: (having just seen Star Wars episode 2 he knows what clones are and in his mind's eye he could see Kuwabara clones) Oh no! No clones! One idiot is bad enough! Erase that ingredient Yukina. We're not creating clones!

Shura: I'm your clone? Does that mean I don't have a mommy? (turns to Mukuro) Will you be my mommy?

Mukuro: NO!

Yomi: NO!

Shura: Who wants to be my mommy? (silence) Why doesn't anyone want to be my mommy? (sobs and runs out)

Yomi sighs and runs after Shura.

Atsuko: Enough of this bloody nonsense! (looks up from her bottle of sake and burps) I maybe a bit intoxicated now... this is the first time I met someone who can drink more than I can. (burp) Excuse me, Chuu, while I explain to this dunderheads how I got that brat. (burp) I'll tell you how babies are made! I had a baby, remember? I had that brat Yusuke when I was fourteen!

Minna: HOW?

Atsuko: Well... I don't remember exactly. It was dark and I was drunk.

Minna facefault.

Yusuke: Figures...

Atsuko: (glares at Yusuke) Shut up! As I was saying... ah... what was I saying? Oh! Right. I was drunk.. so.. I don't remember. HAHAHA! (drinks) So, after three months, my father, your crazy grandfather, kicked me out of the house because I was getting fat. I don't know why I got fat. I barely eat! Six months after that, I was brought to the hospital. I look awful. My stomach was so big I looked like a swallowed a whole watermelon. I woke up the following day and the watermelon was thankfully gone from my stomach. A nurse came in the room and gave me a baby. I asked her where did it come from. She looked confused for a moment then she said it came from the nursery. So. That's where babies come from---the nursery. It's one big, nasty, baby factory.

Jin: Maybe it's the same factory that Santa has!

Shura (coming back in the room): Maybe storks also have a nursery!

Chuu: (burp) Uh-huh.

Hiei: Write that down, Yukina.

Yukina: Hai! Construct nursery---big, nasty, baby factory. (exclaims) We'll make lots of babies together, Hiei-san! It's going to be so much fun!

Kuwabara sobs.

Kurama: That sounds so---

Mukuro: Wrong?

Kurama: Sick.

Mukuro: Don't worry. They're so innocent, it's almost funny. (smiles)

In their corner, Hiei and Yukina are pooling their money for their baby project. 


Author's Notes:
I'm going to shamelessly plug my fic which is somewhat related to this..
[1] Please read "The Engagement" if you want to know more about this tadpole & egg thing ^^; 

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